"Falling" Into My New Life

To many people, Spring is a time of renewal, of new beginnings. The flowers start their life cycle again, the trees begin to sprout new fruits for our eating enjoyment. The land is plowed and seeded in hopes of a bountiful fall harvest that will carry us through the winter. Or pay our bills for the year if you happen to be the farmer.

I'm a bit different in this case. To me, Fall is the time of year for starting over. Maybe it's my love of school and learning. (Yes, I'm that much of a nerd, lol.) The start of each new year promised new adventured in the books and the halls. When I started college, I looked forward to the start of each year wondering what I would learn, and how much money I would waste on what I already knew. New clothes, new supplies, new shoes, new haircut... everything seemed to be fresh and crisp like the air.

I am going back to school, though I'm not starting my journey to my Masters this fall, it will be this winter. However, there is much preparation being made now and it is causing a huge amount of excitement, so much so that I might as well be doing it now! I am finally on my last steps to the doors that hold my dream future behind them. What I've always wanted to be when I grew up. It's taken me 38 years to get there, but truth be told, I kinda needed these last few years to grow up and realize that I am ready for this life. And what a life changing experience it is going to be.

I am undertaking a Master's of Religious History. I will be studying all world religions and learning about how they came to be, how they are different as well as how they are the same. What makes people follow so devotedly one religion and not be sure of their salvation, while someone else can half-a&$ their's and seem perfectly content and at peace with themselves that they are doing all they need to be. After the Masters, I will be following into a PhD, focusing on the effects of Religion to society. How people can be best friends with the king one day and not fit to spit on the next because they do not wish to go along with the latest, greatest ideas of the king.

I cannot express to you how excited I am at the potential for all the things I will learn. I'm sure there will be many "I never knew that!"'s and "Now that makes sense"'s along the way. I will never be dissuaded from my Christian beliefs. That will NOT happen. I am too firmly grounded in them. I can kinda see coming, however, new information that may tweak those beliefs. I feel that I will be called in to question whether this or that has been right or wrong. As a strong believer in God and His plans, I cannot believe that He did not put me on this journey. Maybe I will find that my beliefs are where they need to be, maybe I will be making some changes. Either way, where I end up at the end of this journey will be exactly where God wants me, that I am sure of.

My husband has made the decision to join my church and as such, we will both be going to weekly classes to learn about why we're there, to learn about this decision I made in the past and he is making now, and to learn about our relationship with God in the process. At his first class, I was still pretty sick so I stayed home. A few days later, we were talking about the class and he said something that took me by surprise. He said that over the last few years of his life, he's never really felt that something was missing, he wasn't really looking for anything. But when he went in and sat down, he felt that what was missing was found and he felt like he was home. He's now opened more and more to talking about religion and its history, and the history of the Bible as well. With this now coming into play, I'm sure my studies will make for some amazing conversation and bind our marriage even more secure. Again, I can't imagine that God would want it any other way. After all, He did bring us two unlikely people together. =D

The season is new and everything is a changin'. The leaves are turning colors and burning brightly, much like my spirit and soul. The old will fall away to make room for the new, much like my old habits will fall away to make room for my new found belief in myself and my abilities. The earth may lie dormant for a couple of months, much like I will for a couple of years while I live in libraries and in front of my computer. But when everything fades away and the spring season is upon us, I will blossom into that time of my life standing tall and proud of who I have discovered along the way, just like that tree that started from a seed that fell to the earth in the fall.

What I Wished

When I was a little girl, I made a lot of wishes on a lot of stars. I wished for Prince Charming, a big house with a basement (no clue why that was so important, lol), a red headed daughter named Emily, and a cat, just to name a few. Many of those wishes have come true, though not in the way I had originally thought.

In the days of fairy tales and happily ever after, I dreamed of finding that right guy who I would marry and grow old with. Marriages last forever in my family. Grandpa and Grandma Taylor were married over 50 years before Grandpa passed away. Ma and Pa, my great grandparents on my mom's side were married around 80 years. My parents will be celebrating their 50th anniversary this coming January. The thought of divorce, the failure of my marriage was not a consideration in the least. Then I met Kenny. I was 16 at the time and smitten. Over the next couple of years we fought his mother who didn't want him dating, we got engaged, and finally got married. Then real life set in. Turns out that dreams and wishes will not get you through.

Our first daughter, Ashley, was born 8 1/2 months after we married. As I said, her name was Ashley, not Emily. Kenny hated that name. Over the next 4 years, we had two more daughters, Kristy and Olivia. Each time, I was fought tooth and nail over their names. I did not have the backbone at the time to stand up for what I wanted. I lived with the reality of $40 a week to buy groceries for five people while he spent $700 on a carburetor for a car he was wanting to fix up. I lived with the reality of finding out his new girlfriend was pregnant and he was planning to propose, before we had even filed for divorce. His first time taking the girls he took them with him to pick out the ring. This reality, I did not see coming.

After the divorce, I started dating again, a guy I met through my work. He is a farmer, amazing guy. He is one of the most respectful and honorable men I have ever met, a close 2nd to my husband. ; ) Most importantly, he adored the girls and they adored him. In hindsight, it got too serious too soon for the girls, so after 6 years, it was clear it just wasn't going to work.

Not too long after that, I met Todd. Todd and I had more in common than we wanted to. We both had been married to people who told us who they wanted us to be. We weren't encouraged to follow our dreams and discover who we were meant to be. He was so disillusioned after his marriage that one night, when we were discussing how serious our feelings for each other were, he stated that he really couldn't tell me he loved me because he really didn't believe in that word anymore. I was very nervous as "the test" was approaching... what were the girls going to think of him? Well, they loved him as much as I was falling in love with him. We have been together 4 years now, coming up on our 1st anniversary. I finally found my Prince Charming. I went through a lot to get here, and learned more along the way. Did you know even Prince Charming can't be perfect??? WHO KNEW??? Well, now I know. It's refreshing to be respected and loved for my faults and it's easy to respect and love him despite his.

We bought our first house together shortly before our wedding and guess what? IT HAS A BASEMENT! Still don't know why this is such a big deal, LOL. It's a small house, but more than big enough for us. It was built at a time when craftsmanship meant something, so there are some very cool details around the house. More than that, it is the first place I've lived since 18 that actually feels like home. My first place was a duplex and the 2nd was a mobile home. Both were temporary and felt as such. Along with Todd and the house came 2 cats! And a dog. And even though the dog is 10 times the size of the cats, they are definitely the boss!

I am 38 years old, and for the first time, I'm figuring out who I really am. The directions I want my life to go, the things I want to accomplish, etc. This is a really exciting time for me and I can't wait to meet the woman that is on the other side. I'm just getting to know her, but so far, she's more than I could have ever wished to be.